3 Months

Tuesday, August 17th

It's been 3 months since we had to say good bye to our baby. 13 weeks...91 days...nearly 8 million seconds have passed, and we have felt her absence for each and every one of those. This week is especially heavy as there are so many anniversaries and memories flooding our minds and hearts.

August 13th - Marked 2 years since Avery was diagnosed

August 17th - Marks 3 months since Avery passed away

August 20th - Marks 1 year since we found out that Avery had relapsed

It's the smallest details that pack the biggest emotional punch. Her sandals are still sitting exactly where she kicked them off for the last time. Her water bottle sits in her room full. There are fairy wings, LOL presents and trinkets in my purse from prizes she opened. The last parent badge from the hospital was still in my wallet. Her iPad is still in the hospital backpack. Even with these constant reminders, I miss every single detail about her.

It took me a month after Avery passed before I could go back to church. It had nothing to do with the church or our pastor(they are both amazing). My relationship with God had become so intimate the past two years that entering that sanctuary and hearing that worship music was completely overwhelming. It was too public… too open compared to what I had become accustomed to. It took me a couple more weeks before I could find the courage to go back. But each week since has been a little easier.

Music has been a huge way that I connected with God since Avery relapsed last year. It started out with me playing worship songs in the hospital every night as Avery fell asleep. Soon that transferred to our bedtime routine at home. Our playlist grew as friends sent us encouraging songs. Avery loved to pick the first song of the night. In her last two weeks at the hospital, we played her worship music 24/7. We wanted her to be at peace. We wanted her to feel safe. The moment she passed away, the song "Way Maker" by Leeland was playing. This was also the song that we ended her Celebration of Life service with.

So this past weekend, the final song during Worship was "Way Maker". As Pastor Elijah started to sing, the tears started to flow as I read the words on the screen in my head. Even though we had been back at church for a while now, I couldn't bring myself to sing aloud. But then we came to a verse that I haven't really noticed or just overlooked, and it immediately got my attention:

"Even when I don't see it, You're working

Even when I don't feel it, You're working

You never stop, You never stop working

You never stop, You never stop working"

And hearing those words and really registering what they were saying, I finally found the strength to sing again(not well and very quietly). I was once again reminded that God is faithful. God will not leave you. God will not forsake you. God will not stop loving you.

There are exactly two ways you can go when you experience a tragedy: Directly away from God or Directly towards God. And when you're in a place of such pain and brokenness and despair, you could easily go either way. I chose to run towards God... even with my doubts... even with my anger... even with my pain. He has never left my side, and I honestly believe that I could not have survived these past 3 months had I chosen the other path.

As you pray, please continue to pray for our other cancer families. Pray for the ones finished with treatment. Pray for the ones still in treatment. Pray for the ones who have lost their children. Pray for the families who are about to be diagnosed. Pray for our doctors, nurses, chaplains, social workers, and child life specialists.

#brAvery❤