Happy Birthday Avery!

Friday, November 4th

I can't believe that you should be turning 9 years old today. I often wonder what you would look like...how much would you have changed these past 18 months? Would your hair have started to darken like Lexi's or would you stay blond like Ella? How many more teeth would you have lost? How tall would you have grown? Would you still insist on falling asleep with your head of my chest each night? Would you still want me to carry you around every chance you got? Would you still like outdoor adventures, slime, art, and Starbucks? No matter how much I try to fast forward though, your image is frozen in my mind as the fierce, witty 7 year old girl with a toothy grin, contagious laugh, and piercing eyes.

We celebrated your birthday last night with Taco Mama and a unicorn birthday cake... because let's be honest, no one ever outgrows tacos or unicorns. If you were still here, I imagine we would have a pottery painting party just like your sisters had. You would have wanted new arts supplies, jewelry, Legos, and puzzles. You probably would have started trying to negotiate getting your first cell phone so you could keep better track of us when we were gone. You would have exuded joy at every moment of the day. You were always the easiest person to celebrate.

While it's nice to imagine all of the funs things that today could have been, I also think about what our reality would really be like if you were still here with us. Would you be feeling sick and tired from the recent round of chemo? Would you still be mainly fed from your g-tube because the treatment wiped your appetite? Would you have finally gotten used to your hearing aids? Would your eye sight have been restored fully? Would the side effects from radiation be becoming more evident? And it's these harsh realities that remind me to be thankful that you are getting to celebrate your big day in Heaven. The peace and happiness brought by still having you here in my arms could never justify the pain and suffering you endured.

On Sunday, I will run the NYC marathon... 26.2 miles through all 5 boroughs of NY. I run to remember, celebrate, and honor you! I will run for our friends who have lost children to cancer. I will run for our friends who are still in the fight. And I will run for our friends who have been cured. I will run for Smile-A-Mile and all of the wonderful things they do for families like out! I will run with the same grit, tenacity, strength, and perseverance that you taught me by example so well. I will run with a broken, yet grateful heart that 9 years ago I was blessed to become your Mommy.