One Year

May 17, 2022

I used to think that saying goodbye would be the hardest thing I ever had to do. I quickly learned, however, that continuing to live each day after would be even harder. It's been 365 days since we had to say goodbye to Avery. We endured a year of firsts without her - first holidays, first birthdays, first days of school, first vacations, and countless other firsts you wouldn't even think of until they hit you. The turning of the page on the calendar doesn't ease the pain though. I can only imagine that the seconds, thirds, and even thirtieths will prove to be just as difficult as the firsts. But today does serve a purpose... it represents survival. It shows us that we can and did survive the most horrible year of our lives. Here we are still standing, still living, and now we know we can do it again for all of the years to come.

I miss everything about Avery. Her hugs. Her laugh. Her jokes. Her signing and dancing. Her silliness. Her joy. Her fight. Her sarcasm. Watching her make slime. I miss hearing her boss her sisters around. I miss getting her out of the bath each night and wrapping her in a warm towel and rocking her. I miss building Legos and reading books with her. I miss her button down pajamas. I miss falling asleep each night with her head on my chest and her arm around my neck. When she was physically here with us, we all strived to be better versions of ourselves. Her sisters fought less. We practiced more gratitude. We were more patient. We all could more easily find joy in the ordinary things.

The one thing that has become abundantly evident over the last almost 3 years, is that I am an imperfect human. I can't always balance and deliver everything I need to. I don't always do or say the right things. But the big epiphany for me was: The weight isn't on my shoulders to bring hope and inspiration to others. Only Jesus can do that. It is Jesus that carried us through Avery's diagnosis and treatment. It is Jesus that welcomed her home when she left this Earth. And it is Jesus that has literally carried me through this past year when I wasn't strong enough to walk on my own. And it is Jesus that will reunite me with my baby girl one day soon. If you look for things or people of this world to carry you through the difficult times, you will always end up disappointed. You only need to look to Jesus.

Tonight we will remember Avery by eating Taco Mama and Steele City Pops(two of her favorite things.) We will continue to be forever grateful for the precious gift that God blessed us with for 7 years, 6 months, and 13 days.

Laugh loudly. Love boldly. Live bravely❤