Thursday, February 17th
9 months... three quarters of a year since we said goodbye. And it honestly still feels just as hard as it did nine months ago. Our coping has improved. Our triggers may have changed, but the pain is still as raw, as real, and as intense as it was on day 1.
We get asked the standard questions "How are you doing? How are you handling things? How do you feel?" You will get very different responses depending on who you ask and when. From me, you will always get a perfunctory "OK." My bond and relationship with Avery was so special and unique. It is something I guard very closely... something I am hesitant to share... something I am possessive with. So naturally, I am the same way with my grief and loss. But those that know me and love me recognize and respect that. They don't need words. They don't need explanation. They are simply content sitting with me through the pain, and for that I am forever grateful.
As a child, I loved to write poetry. I wrote and gifted poems to everyone I knew. It's been decades since I have written anything like that. But this past month, as I was running(I do my best thinking when I'm running), the questions of "What do you feel? How do you feel?" became a theme in my mind that I just couldn't quiet. Surprisingly the answer to those questions came out in a poem. And while I can't speaking for all grieving parents, I fully believe that most of us battle with these feelings daily.
Today of a grieving parent
Today I couldn’t breathe
Why did you have to leave?
The weight on my chest has been constant since you left
Today I couldn’t breathe
Today I tried to smile
Despite the obstacles and trials
The constant reminders of you help me get through
Today I tried to smile
Today I felt regret
Life not lived; experiences you didn’t get
The list of things not done; the battles not won
Today I felt regret
Today I felt relief
Although it’s often hard to see
No more illness or pain; you’re whole again
Today I felt relief
Today the tears they fell
A feeling I know all too well
In the car, in the shower; every minute, every hour
Today the tears they fell
Today I felt joy
Something I thought that was destroyed
You showed me to see the good even when I was doubtful that I could
Today I felt joy
Today I felt fear
How can I survive the next 40 years?
I was never made to… live life without you
Today I felt fear
Today I tried to laugh
The memories took me back
Your humor, your tricks, your jokes, and your wit
Today I tried to laugh
Today the world moved on
As if you were not gone
I sit here paralyzed but the sun continues to rise
Today the world moved on
Today is everyday
I feel a million different ways
The only thing that is the same is the sting of the pain
Today is everyday
But today I'm one day closer
To my suffering being over
I’ll see your face and feel your embrace as I enter Heaven’s gates
Today I'm one day closer
That is beautiful and beyond sad. You and your family remain in our prayers.😢🙏🙏🙏
Continuing in my prayers... the poem is beautiful. Love you
I love this poem!! Straight from the heart. I still miss her sweet beautiful smiles in her pictures. I can’t imagine how you and Shon feel. Continued prayers for all 🙏🙏🙏🙏❤️
Your poem says so much! I felt myself feeling the same emotions you were feeling. I had a smile at the end! Did bless you and your family! Love you.
So well done!