The past month seemed to fly by more quickly than others. The days are made up of both good moments and bad moments, and each day the weight of good vs. bad differs. Avery's birthday is quickly approaching which has made this month more difficult in a lot of ways. I am looking forward to and, at the same time, dreading the day to come. I love that there is a day that we celebrate only Avery, but it will just not be the same celebrating without her physically here with us.
I am constantly looking for reminders of Avery. Running down a certain street brings back memories of our daily stroller walks. A lyric from a song brings back memories of a silly dance. Sounds, smells, and even TV shows bring back found memories from our time together. I look for toys and clothes in the store that she would have liked.
While I don't really believe in "signs", I have been finding so much comfort and meaning in the rain lately. When we went to spread Avery's ashes, we arrived at the trail at almost dusk. We had seen so many gorgeous sunsets on our previous trips, we were expecting the same. Instead, dark clouds rolled in. It was ominous. It was gloomy. Yet, it was so fitting for the occasion. Then the rain started to fall.
I've gotten caught in the rain so many times running since Avery passed. And while this is not uncommon, it is the timing that always stands out to me. A memory floods my mind causing tears to fill my eyes, and just as the tears started to fall, the rain started to pour. It was refreshing. It was healing. The rain would wash away the tears. And while I know in my mind that rain is simply just weather, in my heart the rain is God acknowledging my pain. He is saying "I see you. I understand. I have felt the same pain."
So often in this world, we are always looking for beauty. But we are looking for it after an event or a hardship is over. A rainbow comes after the storm. The sunrise comes after the night. But what if while you are waiting for whatever you are going through to be over, you miss the beauty that can be found while walking through it? Beauty and pain can coexist. The biggest thing that grief has taught me so far is "It is OK to not be OK." It is possible to smile while tears fall from your eyes. It is possible to feel both joy and pain in the same moment. It is possible to be filled with excitement and dread at the same time. And, it is possible to see God in the rain.
Praying for comfort for you in your pain. I’m so sorry for your loss of your precious Avery.😢🙏
Charlie Chaplin lived 88 years. Once he said, "I love to walk in the rain cause noone can see my tears. God provides us the beautiful sun, moon, stars, and rain. We need a private place, just us and our Heavenly Father, we need to grieve for the past, the now, and the future. My arms are not long enough to reach you and your family with a big hug, so I ask Jesus to give you a hug from me, and He said He would. Love and my continued prayers as ya'll go on this journey of grieve
God has a way of helping us through the worse of storms. I am glad the rain brings you comfort, it has cleansing powers. When my father passed it rained and I felt even the angels wept along with me.
Love you.
This is beautiful! You really need to "formally" write about your experiences for other parents or, really, anyone going through this.