7 months

Friday, December 17th

We survived another month without our sweet Avery. The 17th is a day that I utterly dread. My mind and body shift in a way that alerts me as this day approaches. And tomorrow it will wane ever so slightly until the 17th draws near again.

I have debated about sharing because at times it is just mentally draining. But on the other hand, sometimes I need to get the words out just to clear my mind. And maybe someone else needs to hear them. There has been so much loss recently. People have lost parents, spouses, children. There seems to be pain everywhere you turn, and the world does not stop for those in pain.

I have come to liken grief to a physical injury. A piece of my body was literally cut out leaving a gaping hole that will never fully heal. At first you are running on adrenaline and somewhat numb to the pain. Once the adrenaline wears off, it is excruciating. It is a raw wound exposed to the elements - so sensitive that a small movement, a thought, a memory, any little thing can cause immense pain. Slowly over time a scar begins to form providing slight protection from everyday elements. The pain is still there but not quite as easy to trigger. But the hole will never heal. The piece of you that is missing will never be whole again. There will always be a deep aching, a pain that can cripple you at any time without notice.

The holidays are hard. They are reminder of the huge void that has been left. A reminder of presents not bought, a stocking not filled, one less set of Christmas pajamas purchased. If given the choice, I would skip over the holidays this year. But we have two other little girls counting on us. Two little girls that have also survived the unimaginable. Two little girls who need a little extra joy this year. And because of that, we push through. We go to Holiday parties. We watch Christmas movies. We decorate gingerbread houses. We buy presents. And we smile and laugh even though it takes every bit of strength we have. We keep moving forward to honor the ones who can't.

I am torn as we approach the beginning of a new year... the first year that Avery won't be physically present with us. I could easily say that 2021 was the worst year of my life. But I was also gifted with 5 months and 17 days spent with Avery, and it doesn't get much better than that. I plan on setting new goals to focus on in 2022 - Travel to new places. Do things Avery would have loved. Spend more time with Shon and the girls. Worry a little less. Search for more joy... because Avery was the best at that! I am nowhere even remotely close to having anything figured out yet, but I will continue to take it one step and one day at a time.

#brAvery