Tuesday, January 4th
I have very mixed feelings about starting a New Year. There are parts of 2021 that I would gladly leave behind, but there are parts that I want to hold onto tightly. People use the phrases "new beginning", "new opportunity", "new perspective", "new goals", but for me it is just a new milestone, a new first we are having to go through without Avery. The turning of a page on the calendar will not erase what has happened in 2021, and it will not fill the void that has been left in our family this year and for years to come.
Our family spent the week between Christmas and New Years in one of our favorite places... Disney World. We were all excited to get away and share some Disney magic with my brother and his family. It was a great trip, but that is not to say that it didn't bring some sadness and pain along with it. Every ride I rode, the first thing that popped in my mind was "the last time I rode this was with Avery." And for that reason, I found myself hesitant to make new memories. I had to convince myself that making new memories does not mean you are replacing the old ones. It means I am continuing to move forward. I am continuing to make an effort. I am continuing to honor Avery living life like she would have.
One of the biggest things I struggle with is seeing the "good". When your world has a dark shadow cast around it, it is hard to see outside the walls of that shadow. But I am slowly learning, slowing fighting to remember that good things still exist. Before Avery was diagnosed, I had so many "good" things in my life. And the truth is that most, if not all, of those good things are still there. They are more difficult to recognize. They are sometimes hard to see at times. They are often hard to accept and feel. It is those good things that force me out of bed each morning, but it is also trying to recognize those good things that leave me physically and emotionally exhausted some days. It is having dinner with a close friend you haven't seen in a while. It's sharing coffee and life with a group of best friends. It's texts from sweet friends just checking in. It's riding rollercoasters with your eyes open and your hands up. It's seeing the wonder and excitement in your children's eyes watching fireworks. Recognizing the "good" things in your life, despite the pain and loss you have suffered, is the thing that allows you to keep moving forward.
So while I am not looking forward to a new year of firsts without Avery, I will actively look for the "good" in my life and continuously try to seek and share the goodness of God.
Prayers for courage and healing as you continue your journey!
I just can’t imagine your pain. But do know that your friends are still thinking about y’all and Praying for y’all. I loved Avery’s sweet little smile. It always made my day when i looked at your post and pictures of her smiling. Continued prayers for all the family. 🙏🙏
We all have choices to make in life, many which are difficult and can feel nearly impossible to reason out. . It’s clear to me that your are focused on making the best choices even with a heavy heart. Choosing to look up more often than looking down, to smile more often than not, to be encouraged even when the feeling may not be present. You seem to believe in the hope for better things everyday. I can feel that warmth across the distance of time and space. Thank you!
God Bless You! You and your family are in my prayers. 😢🙏🙏🙏